I was born and raised on the East Coast in a Jewish household.
Need I say more?
If you're still not catching on there's a lot of drama, hand-waving, emotion, yapping, and of course the guilt. My parents have been married to each other since before my birth so I've ever only known what I've seen from both of them in terms of communication. I suppose I grew up the same way and in fact was pretty volatile emotionally as a child. I could remember being very verbal and physical when I would fight/argue at home as a child. As I grew older that got way under control (thankfully) and while I would still get very emotional, upset, and loud, I would be able to control myself enough not to throw or hit things. I think some people call this maturity?
My wife and I have very different backgrounds and so when the gloves come off we both face from opposite sides of the ring as well. I hate resorting to name-calling or abusive language but admittedly it's come out in the past. Most of the time my anger is built in her not understanding where I'm coming from and I'm sure her feelings are reciprocated in those moments. Most of the time I find myself being the one taking the beating and apologizing only to try and smooth over the situation. In my older years (yeah, I can say that) I've come to like conflict in the house less and less. Especially with the kids around I really try and avoid it.
It's not that I think O and Jake should never hear arguing or conflict. It's the process that I have concerns with. In an ideal world they would hear two conflicting sides, some questioning to better understand, negotiation, and then resolve followed by the "make up". Well maybe they wouldn't see or hear the "make up" part but I'd like a little more of the "make up" part. What I don't like them hearing is the yelling, language (I'm not talking about a foreign language), and just down right nastiness of some of the blowouts. I just don't think that's healthy for them and I don't want them to think that this type of dialogue is acceptable. There's a difference between acceptance and normalcy. While it may be normal for couples to argue/fight like we do (maybe it's not?) it's definitely not acceptable.
The good news for me is that I'm one of those guys that's totally back to normal after about 32.4 seconds. I really don't hold a grudge and after I've tried to make my point, she's shot it down, I've rebutted with a beautiful retort, she's convinced me why I'm wrong and an idiot, and I've apologized once again I'm back to normal. While I can go about my day after a minute or so the wife is a completely different story. It may take days for her to completely recover and in between that time frame she's cleaning the entire time. See, there's a benefit to fighting; she gets mad and cleans! I don't like cleaning when I'm happy! The last thing I want to do when I'm pissed is clean! That'd be like me cutting the grass or taking out the trash...Shit, that'd even by like me shaving after a good fight! I want to feel better after a big argument not do more work! I'm talking a trip to Disney, a good beer, maybe a 1999 Napa Cab, or a movie but not cleaning.
Communication is so vital in any relationship. What's so hard about being a parent is that we're not only trying to learn how to communicate with our spouses we're teaching our children at the same time. My wife and I have agreed for the most part that we'll save arguments for after the kids are asleep or napping. Usually this winds up in me getting in a word or sticking my foot in my mouth and screwing up. It is important to note though that I'm accepting of my idiotness. I just don't try and let the wife know that until I'm at the apology stage. I hate being defeated in a good argument but I hate having my wife upset more than a good bloody win. Plus? Although, I'm not the best at execution I do believe that a happy wife is a happy husband.
Between my mother and father, there are 6 marriages and 5 divorces. Longevity in the household simply isn’t something I’m familiar with. I’ve personally stood at three weddings, and wiped the tears from my parent’s eyes during 3 divorces. Successful marriage just isn’t something I’m accustomed to.
Justin’s parents have been married for thirty years. When I first married my husband, they offered us several morsels of wisdom; One of which is seared into my mind because of how ludicrous it sounded. “You have to learn how to fight with eachother” they said. Absurd. Happily married couples don’t fight. They argue. I will not be fighting with Justin. The end.
Silly, naive little me.
They were absolutely right.
My style has changed over the years. Initially I would shout for a minute and then lock myself into my bedroom and cry. We are fighting! My marriage is doomed.
Over the years, I’ve gotten tougher. I’m very emotional, sensitive and frequently hormonal despite the tough New Yorker exterior I front. When it gets ugly, I fight with all of my heart because I’m not fighting for just me any longer, I’m fighting for us. I want him to understand where I’m coming from so that we can communicate better. You know, easy peasy, right? Yell it into his brain and we will communicate better! It’s like science!
Somewhere deep inside, my innate instinct is to bark and holler loudly and throw things. I’m not proud of this, but it is what it is when it gets really bad. I turn into Jenny from the Block, cocking my head and throwing my arms in the air and even speaking in a Bronx accent. It’s quite possible my alter ego-I have no explanation for it. She’s a rebel with a cause.
My husband, on the other hand, could win at Boiling Point every single time. He keeps his cool while managing to piss me off with every fiber of my being. For the first half of the fight, he’ll stand with his arms crossed laughing like a little girl. It’s completely infuriating. He says it’s a nervous habit. When he’s reached his limit- sometimes it takes longer than others-he finds the most hurful, hateful possible words that he can at me. The outcome is always the same. I end up crying in my bedroom.
We try not to fight in front of the kids. We live in a very small, two bedroom apartment so that is nearly impossible, as hard as we try. I do believe that arguments are normal and natural and something that the kids should be exposed to, to a certain point. Marriage is hard and wonderful, beautiful, and totally insane. I don’t want them growing up to believe that marriage is this fairy tale that they should expect for their own marriages and personal lives. The yelling and throwing they could do without, though, and for the most part, as infrequently as it happens they are typically in their room, distracted. I won’t fool myself into believing that they don’t know what is going on though. I have my own, very distinct memories from when I was little-children are far more perceptive than anyone gives them credit for.
All we can do is learn and grow and change our behavior. My husband and I have been together 6 years, 5 of them married, 4 1/2 of those years with babies, 3 of those years without a solid income with Justin being in graduate school. It hasn’t been a non-stop party, but it’s been incredible.
I have all of the faith in my heart that my own marriage will withstand the peaks and valleys that are abound in most parent unions. I’m slowly learning what it takes to be a respectful, supportive, loving partner in every situation-even the ones that I disagree with wholeheartedly. As far as I know, this is a part of being dedicated to one person-the love of my life-for the sake of my family, my children, my husband, and myself.
None of us are perfect, but the best we can do when the the going gets tough is to keep going. Every single time we argue or fight, something good comes from it. We understand each other a little more. I just need to figure out what to do with that pest, Jenny from the Block.
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